7/18/2023 0 Comments #9 The Opposing ViewThe Opposing View
The “practice” of my work as a mediator is to hear and validate the position and point of view of each party, even though the positions are at odds. It obliges me to suspend my own positions and carefully listen, and then double check with each party to be sure I understood them in their terms. Their positions are generally not reconcilable which is why they have come to mediation. Both parties are convinced that they are right, truly right. The next step in mediation is to ask a very simple question “why is that important to you?” This is a very important part of the “art” of mediation. There are many ways to ask this question. If the parties, or even just one of the parties, can connect with this emotional space, everything changes. The atmosphere in the room lightens, being right is no longer such a big deal. If both parties can connect with why this is important to them, they can often feel for and understand the other person. At that point, their perspectives have momentarily changed and they can meet at a place where solutions simply pour forth. Perhaps even in Rumi’s field. When this occurs, it often feels like a little miracle for all concerned. Below is a mediation story that I did that I hope you enjoy The “miracle” of mediation Sometimes, mediation can unravel a seemingly impossible impasse so that the parties who were not even able to be in the same room, walk out together as new found companions. This case arose from a public housing dispute involving two neighbors. In this instance the downstairs neighbor (call her DOWN), a large woman in her early 80s with a stentorian voice complained to the housing authority that the upstairs neighbor (call her UP), a slight woman with a wispy voice in her late 80s, was making so much noise that she could not sleep. In addition, she had other challenges including PTSD. This led her to banging on the walls and ceiling with a broom when UP made noise. UP also complained to the housing authority that DOWN was banging on the ceiling and disturbing her. In addition, UP was recovering from cancer treatments. The two neighbors could not talk with each other, and each had formed negative opinions about the other. The housing authority told them to go to mediation and see if they could work something out. DOWN said she could not even sit in the same waiting room as UP. We found two separate waiting rooms at our facility. When they entered the mediation room, we explained the mediation procedure including meeting with parties separately if the situation called for it. DOWN immediately requested a private session to begin the process. UP agreed if she too would be given a private session. In the private session with DOWN, she presented her list of grievances against UP. These included opening and closing drawers in the middle of the night, grandchildren running around, loud bangs from items or furniture that had fallen, and even having a very loud cat that “hung out” by the window of DOWN. She was also quite convinced that these noises were intentional. She told us that she had considered leaving but her circumstances would not allow it. She felt trapped, could not take it anymore, and did not know what else to do. She had put in her best attempts at soundproofing, white noise and anything else she could think of to make her place livable. We heard and acknowledged her intense frustration with the current situation. When UP entered for her private session, she also was very distressed with the situation. She said that she had done everything possible to keep the noise down. She was aware that DOWN would hear noise from upstairs. She said that the prior tenant did not mind the noise and simply took it as part of life. However, she knew DOWN was seriously bothered by it. She had taken many steps including putting down carpeting, not having her grandchildren visit, changing the time she went to bed, walking around without shoes and everything else she could think of to soften the noise. She was particularly stressed when DOWN banged on the walls and ceiling. We heard and acknowledged her intense frustration with the current situation. We then brought both parties together to see if they might be able to communicate with each other. UP began and surprised DOWN when she explained how awful this has been for her. She said that although she loved her apartment, she was thinking of leaving (if possible) because the situation was causing her so much stress. She told DOWN all the changes and adaptions she had made. She said she was actually willing to make more changes if there could be some peace and understanding between the two. She further said that before she moved in friends had told her not to take the downstairs apartment because of the inevitable noise. She felt very badly for DOWN. DOWN was very quiet and attentive, and appeared surprised. She had thought that UP was making noise out of spite. When she saw UP’s distress, her face softened and her shoulders relaxed a bit. Then DOWN shared all the challenges she was facing, and that she had not had a good night’s sleep in a year. Her stress levels were through the roof. UP was very sympathetic and wished to make DOWN’s life better if she could. The issue of the cat came up and served as the catalyst for an even deeper break-through. UP said she was aware that the cat had a loud “meow,” but she loved her 12-year-old cat and wanted to give him the best life possible. DOWN also loved cats and had recently lost hers. They spent some time sharing about their love for animals. They both became human for each other. They both said they were very thankful for the opportunity to be in a safe situation (the mediation room) so that they could share their challenges and also hear the challenges of each other. Although the circumstances of the noise itself was not resolved, they agreed that they would both work together to make the situation as good as possible. They walked out of the room together as a team. The “miracle” of mediation is that they were able to hear and understand each other and mutually see that both parties were suffering. Although they could not necessarily change the external circumstance, they could indeed change how they dealt with their, now, mutual challenges.
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David FeldmanDog walker, Dog Mediator, Father, Husband, Categories |