7/19/2023 0 Comments #10 Sharing HappinessThe other day, a friend whom I had not connected with for a while, called me. At the end of our chat he said, “Speaking with you is like a cool breeze on a summer day. You are one of the least scary people I know.” I thanked him for his kind words, but I was left perplexed. When I was younger, the mentors I admired were fierce alpha males. Their very presence could galvanize a room. They had an ability to utilize the energy of anger as well as love. Even when I was the president of a company, I preferred collaboration to telling others what to do.
I began my “new story” 12 years ago when I retired from my career job. In this story, my “super-power” is simply to be appreciative. It seems remarkably modest and small compared to what I hoped to become when I was younger. However, it has become the center of gravity for my life. During the pandemic, I started a blog called “gratitude riffs” filled with stories of appreciation for everything in my life. I looked at my past life as well as current adventures through the window of thankfulness. Things simply look different through this filter. It even allows me to see things I was blind to before, so no ducking reality. And somehow, this way of seeing functions as a magnet for others. For example, this week a young couple came a long way just be with my wife and I. We made them a delicious meal, hung out, listened to their stories, and even had them hold one of our chickens, a new experience for them. Another woman stopped by during the week to give us delicious vegetables from her CSA because it is too much for her to eat alone. We gave her eggs and hung out. Later today we will be on zoom call with a lovely woman we met on our trip in the Amazon. She simply enjoys our conversation. I am utilizing this 21-day service space pod as a means of meeting new friends on this pod as well as sharing my daily writings through my blog. To my delight, I am hearing from quite a few people who willingly share their stories. What a nice way to spread the joy.
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7/18/2023 0 Comments #9 The Opposing ViewThe Opposing View
The “practice” of my work as a mediator is to hear and validate the position and point of view of each party, even though the positions are at odds. It obliges me to suspend my own positions and carefully listen, and then double check with each party to be sure I understood them in their terms. Their positions are generally not reconcilable which is why they have come to mediation. Both parties are convinced that they are right, truly right. The next step in mediation is to ask a very simple question “why is that important to you?” This is a very important part of the “art” of mediation. There are many ways to ask this question. If the parties, or even just one of the parties, can connect with this emotional space, everything changes. The atmosphere in the room lightens, being right is no longer such a big deal. If both parties can connect with why this is important to them, they can often feel for and understand the other person. At that point, their perspectives have momentarily changed and they can meet at a place where solutions simply pour forth. Perhaps even in Rumi’s field. When this occurs, it often feels like a little miracle for all concerned. Below is a mediation story that I did that I hope you enjoy The “miracle” of mediation Sometimes, mediation can unravel a seemingly impossible impasse so that the parties who were not even able to be in the same room, walk out together as new found companions. This case arose from a public housing dispute involving two neighbors. In this instance the downstairs neighbor (call her DOWN), a large woman in her early 80s with a stentorian voice complained to the housing authority that the upstairs neighbor (call her UP), a slight woman with a wispy voice in her late 80s, was making so much noise that she could not sleep. In addition, she had other challenges including PTSD. This led her to banging on the walls and ceiling with a broom when UP made noise. UP also complained to the housing authority that DOWN was banging on the ceiling and disturbing her. In addition, UP was recovering from cancer treatments. The two neighbors could not talk with each other, and each had formed negative opinions about the other. The housing authority told them to go to mediation and see if they could work something out. DOWN said she could not even sit in the same waiting room as UP. We found two separate waiting rooms at our facility. When they entered the mediation room, we explained the mediation procedure including meeting with parties separately if the situation called for it. DOWN immediately requested a private session to begin the process. UP agreed if she too would be given a private session. In the private session with DOWN, she presented her list of grievances against UP. These included opening and closing drawers in the middle of the night, grandchildren running around, loud bangs from items or furniture that had fallen, and even having a very loud cat that “hung out” by the window of DOWN. She was also quite convinced that these noises were intentional. She told us that she had considered leaving but her circumstances would not allow it. She felt trapped, could not take it anymore, and did not know what else to do. She had put in her best attempts at soundproofing, white noise and anything else she could think of to make her place livable. We heard and acknowledged her intense frustration with the current situation. When UP entered for her private session, she also was very distressed with the situation. She said that she had done everything possible to keep the noise down. She was aware that DOWN would hear noise from upstairs. She said that the prior tenant did not mind the noise and simply took it as part of life. However, she knew DOWN was seriously bothered by it. She had taken many steps including putting down carpeting, not having her grandchildren visit, changing the time she went to bed, walking around without shoes and everything else she could think of to soften the noise. She was particularly stressed when DOWN banged on the walls and ceiling. We heard and acknowledged her intense frustration with the current situation. We then brought both parties together to see if they might be able to communicate with each other. UP began and surprised DOWN when she explained how awful this has been for her. She said that although she loved her apartment, she was thinking of leaving (if possible) because the situation was causing her so much stress. She told DOWN all the changes and adaptions she had made. She said she was actually willing to make more changes if there could be some peace and understanding between the two. She further said that before she moved in friends had told her not to take the downstairs apartment because of the inevitable noise. She felt very badly for DOWN. DOWN was very quiet and attentive, and appeared surprised. She had thought that UP was making noise out of spite. When she saw UP’s distress, her face softened and her shoulders relaxed a bit. Then DOWN shared all the challenges she was facing, and that she had not had a good night’s sleep in a year. Her stress levels were through the roof. UP was very sympathetic and wished to make DOWN’s life better if she could. The issue of the cat came up and served as the catalyst for an even deeper break-through. UP said she was aware that the cat had a loud “meow,” but she loved her 12-year-old cat and wanted to give him the best life possible. DOWN also loved cats and had recently lost hers. They spent some time sharing about their love for animals. They both became human for each other. They both said they were very thankful for the opportunity to be in a safe situation (the mediation room) so that they could share their challenges and also hear the challenges of each other. Although the circumstances of the noise itself was not resolved, they agreed that they would both work together to make the situation as good as possible. They walked out of the room together as a team. The “miracle” of mediation is that they were able to hear and understand each other and mutually see that both parties were suffering. Although they could not necessarily change the external circumstance, they could indeed change how they dealt with their, now, mutual challenges. 7/17/2023 0 Comments Day #8 The Catherpillar TransformsSix years ago, when I turned 70, a friend half-jokingly invited me to join him in a “sprint triathlon.” “What’s that?” “You swim for a ½ mile in the ocean, run a 5K on the beach and then bike for 10 miles.” I had never swum in the ocean, just played in when I was a boy; never ran a mile, no less a 5K (3.1 miles) and my biking was more like a Sunday outing than racing. However, I had this feeling that the “gods“ were speaking through my friend. I said YES. Since then, I have done 4 triathlons and run 8 additional races, mostly 5K but one 5 mile. I have finished them all in good shape, am always at the back of the pack, but not necessarily last.
But here’s the thing. Doing these events have opened something in me that I had no idea was closed. These past 6 years have been the best of my life in so many ways, and my previous life had been very good. It is like doing all these races, and the preparation, for them has helped the light shine in. One example, this very pod. I made a new friend 6 years ago and he “insisted” that I learn about Service Space. What is funny is that he lives by “invitation.” not insistence. Again, I thought the “gods” were at it again. And so here we are, in this moment, in this actuality, the caterpillar transforming little by little. Note: I have written 2 fun blogs detailing my first two triathlons. I would be happy to send them to anyone who wishes to read the stories. 7/16/2023 0 Comments Day #7 Someone who loved meMy Dad
I was very lucky growing up. My dad accepted me as I was and seemed to delight in my adventures. To some degree, he was both my dad and my grandfather. His love was not conditioned by performance. I was an easy child, good at school, interested in music and sports, a few close friends, and generally happy. (This changed during my teenage years). Knowingly or not, my dad planted something inside me that made it OK to be what I was. This immeasurable gift has conditioned my whole life to see the good in things, to see possibilities, to be interested in potentials in myself and others. It also allowed me to experiment and fail and not fall apart. I like to think I passed this gift to our daughter. 7/15/2023 0 Comments Day #6 - Accidental AccidentSome years ago, I was on a business trip in Bangalore, India. My colleague and I visited the ISKCON Hindu temple, a pilgrimage place for many Hindus. It is a very large glass and steel structure that reminded me of EPCOT Center at Disney World. The interior of the temple is quite extraordinary with exquisite paintings, statues, and garlands all related to the story of Krishna. There was a section, roped off, where a teaching was going on in Hindi. The priest / teacher was meeting with perhaps 50-100 people all sitting listening attentively. Our exit process took us to a food market located in the back of the temple. There were shops, booths and counters selling vegetables, fruits, and other daily necessities. There were also some booths selling delicious looking pastries. It was wonderful to see that the temple and the market were one thing – interconnected – the sacred and the secular. The pastries looked very tempting so we got in line. The woman before me, from India, bought a pastry and the man behind the counter, with kind eyes. asked her for 3 rupees – say $.50. That sounded like a very reasonable price indeed. I asked for the same thing she had purchased, and the soft-spoken man gave it to me and said “$10 please.” Fortunately, for me, I was non-reactive. I inquired, “She paid 3 rupees and you are asking me for $10, why is that?” He smiled “Because you can afford it.” Again, to my own delight and surprise, there was very little reactivity – I simply said “That’s true.” And I gave him the $10. He asked if we would like to see what they do with the money. We nodded and followed him to a door behind the counter. We entered a very large room with many people making boxes and packages of food. He explained that the temple has made a commitment to feed a lunch time meal to all the school children in Bangalore who need it. They deliver the food in every way they can depending on the volunteers who help – SUV’s, cars, auto rigshaws, motorcycles, bicycles, whatever it takes. It was startling and wonderful. The people who were putting all this together were quietly working at it. He then said, “Now, would you like to contribute more?” We did and I said “You are a very good salesman indeed.” Without missing a beat, he responded in an American business idiom, “I believe in the product!” We all laughed, wished each other the best. 7/14/2023 0 Comments Day #5 - ReverenceToday is a sad and reverent day. One of our favorite chickens, Lily, whom we have lived with for 10 years, died this morning. We named her after a marvelous teenager we met 10 years ago, and who now is an engineer. She loved to be held, and had a way of welcoming the many new chickens throughout the years. We live in a pine forest and we placed her by a large tree. The forest will absorb her within a few days. This week we saw a mother raccoon with her baby (at night), and a mother wild turkey with her two babies (during the day). I like to think that the energy from Lily’s body may feed the babies. Bye Lily and thanks!7/13/2023 0 Comments When the air cracklesFor 15 years, I was part of a men’s group that met every other Saturday morning in the waiting room of one of the dentists in our group. The randomness of this meeting place fit my temperament very well. There was only one “rule.” Someone talks, everyone else listens. No interruptions, sharing, agreements, fixing the problem, or anything else. We prepared ourselves for this adventure by sitting quietly for 10 minutes and then the timer would buzz.
Someone would begin and they would have the “talking stick,” but there was no stick at all. When they finished, in no order at all, someone else would talk. The topics varied from poignant to funny, to personal, to jokes, to problems, to whatever. Everyone would do their best to simply listen. On occasion, the listening itself would become so palpable that it was as if the air crackled. We could all feel it. Something wonderful was exchanged. To be listened to, to be heard, to feel the freedom to express oneself and not be judged, is surely a healing in itself. 7/12/2023 0 Comments Mr. Romberger's GiftMr. Romberger was my high school chemistry teacher. I went to Stuyvesant high school in NYC, an all-boys public school for students with a flair for math and science. We all were required to take Chemistry in our first year, 10th grade. Mr. Romberger was a bit like Bill Nye the science guy, always doing intriguing experiments at the front of the room. He was quite serious and no one would have dared to joke around in his class. In the fall, at the yearly parent – teacher conference, Mr. Romberger looked at me and told my parents “He does what he must, but what he musn’t, he doesn’t. He explained that many of the other students went way beyond the given assignment due to their curiosity, but I only did what I was asked to do, nothing more. I knew he was telling the truth. In the spring, to my surprise, Mr. Romberger encouraged me to sign-up for the city-wide Chemistry competition that would be held at Stuyvesant. Students from all over NYC City would be coming if recommended by their chemistry teachers. He told me that I would have virtually no chance of winning or even being near the top because most of the students would be seniors who had already completed two years of chemistry. The questions assumed knowledge of the complete two-year curriculum and then asked complicated questions involving creative thinking. “Why are you recommending me,” I asked. “There are many better students in my class.” He told me he was not recommending any other students in my class but had recommended excellent senior students who had a chance to win. Then he smiled (a rare moment), and said “It will be an interesting experiment.” I had no idea what he meant but I agreed to come in on a Saturday, take the hour-long trip including three train changes from my house, and do my best. I arrived at the school and saw hundreds of other students, almost all of them much older than me. “What am I doing here?” The test began, the booklets were given out, and there were proctors everywhere. I knew, or at least was familiar with the first few questions. “OK, not so bad.” And then came a series of questions for which I had no clue whatsoever. There was a question about “moles,” a term in chemistry that I had never heard of. First, I thought about skin moles. Then a picture of a mol, a little burrowing animal, appeared in my imagination. I laughed out loud and a proctor came over to remind me that silence was required. And then something happened. My brain became curious, delving into the possibilities that the questions presented. I had never experienced anything like this. Something in me was actually thinking. It was so different than my usual way of solving anything. I began to figure out, right on the spot, some possible solutions to the problems, even the ones where I had no preparation. It was necessary to show one’s work as back-up to how we arrived at our solutions. And I did just that, right or wrong, it did not matter. When the test ended many hours later, I was happy and invigorated. I had no illusions of winning or even getting close. Just the joy of thinking in this manner was completely new and wonderful. On Monday, I saw Mr. Romberger in school. “How was it?” he asked. I told him the story. He smiled “Ah, a successful experiment.” 7/11/2023 0 Comments The Sound of CrowsThe Sound of Crows I love retreats and have been on many from various traditions. Twenty-five years ago, I was at a final Sunday Mass at a beautiful retreat center, concluding a several day event. While listening to the homily, something shifted internally and the never-ending buzz in my head simply stopped. Everything felt so alive, shimmering. I felt called to walk outside and breathe in the natural world. I stood beneath a tree with a low hanging branch. A crow was quietly sitting there, breathing. Somehow, our breath aligned and we were breathing together. Or better, the universe was breathing through us. Then the crow cawed and I smiled. And then, from the surrounding trees, perhaps 100 crows began to caw. It was a symphony. Since that time, whenever I hear the caw of a single crow and often a flock of them, something lovely awakens in me. 7/10/2023 1 Comment July 10th, 2023Mrs. Isserlin’s TeapotMrs. Isserlin was my piano teacher from age 7 through 14, and a second mother to me. I would go to her small apartment in Queens, New York, near where we lived, for my lessons. Her living room was completely taken over by a baby grand piano (which she played) and a spinet for her students. She was a classical concert pianist from Latvia, and her students (myself included) were trained as she had been trained. After many of my lessons, we would sit together and chat. The kettle sang out that the water was hot, and she would pour the water into her, for me, magical, teapot. It was a simple, little brown teapot. Whether she brought it when she arrived from Latvia or bought it locally, I will never know. But it made the very best tea I had ever tasted. She also baked delicious chocolate chip cookies and I was permitted to have two of them. Something remarkable passed between us during these chats. A seed was planted and watered that nourished my love for music as well as feeling completely accepted and loved. Years later, when I was already married and we had a child of our own, my wife and I met Mrs. Isserlin. She was much older and would soon pass. Our mutual affection was immediately apparent. She told us that she had a full life, was a spiritual seeker, and had practiced the Bahai faith since she was young. There was only one regret. She had an abortion when she was young. And I understood on the spot that I, and perhaps many of her students, were the lucky recipients of all the love she had to give. So, to you Mrs. Isserlin, a deep bow, and a heartfelt thanks for everything. I like to think that your beautiful spirit is floating in the great mystery and you will hear me. |
David FeldmanDog walker, Dog Mediator, Father, Husband, Categories |