7/20/2023 0 Comments Day #11 The Gift of FailureAt first, I could not think of anything related to failure. I don’t think in those terms anymore. My wife suggested to think of my youth, and this story came crashing through.
It was my senior year in high school, and I was desperate to move out of my house (NYC apartment in Queens) and go to sleep-away college. My parents had enough money to pay for it. I was a good student but not great and I applied to schools above my “pay grade” and was rejected by all except Queens College, a NY public commuter school. I had won a Regents scholarship which paid for it, so I had been given a free ride to college. My experience was that of complete failure. My friends had all gone to sleep-away schools and I was still stuck in Queens. My teenage understanding of “freedom” was simple “Do what I want when I wanted to do it.” My biggest fear was being trapped and I felt totally trapped. I was angry at everything and everybody including myself. I entered an intense depression, made bad choices about my courses (all science and math courses that required focus and concentration), almost lost my scholarship for poor grades, and mostly wore a black tea shirt. I basically wallowed in a toxic soup of self-pity throughout the year. I shut myself off from the many opportunities of college clubs doing all sorts of interesting and wonderful things. I didn’t even notice that they existed. I write this with a certain degree of embarrassment and shame because I had so much but couldn’t see it at the time. Then, toward the very end of the college year, I looked up from my Bunsen burner in chemistry lab and saw directly across from me a most beautiful girl. She had been there all year but I never noticed her. The next day, I took off my black tea shirt, put on something springlike, screwed up my courage and asked her out. To my surprise and utter delight, she said YES. She became my college girlfriend and our relationship was the basis for a marvelous college experience. Later, little by little, I came to understand that my complete failure to go to sleep-away college was the impetus for meeting my girlfriend including the many wonderful things that followed. Over the years, my understanding of “freedom” changed significantly and it is simply my ability to choose my attitude to whatever external or internal events occur. This has served me very well.
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David FeldmanDog walker, Dog Mediator, Father, Husband, Categories |