5/8/2021 0 Comments Shamrock's Final Gift In August, 1996, Catherine and I returned from our first week of volunteering with exceptional citizens at Camp Fatima. Our house / dog sitter told us that, one day during the week, she had found Shamrock, our 9 ½ year-old Golden Retriever at the bottom of our stairs. He was panting very hard and it appeared to her that he had fallen down the stairs. He recovered quickly, and it only happened once, so our sitter did not let us know until we came home. We also thought it might be a “one-off” so we chose to wait and see. A few days later, Shamrock had an intense seizure right in front of us. He rolled on his side, his entire body shook, his eyes rolled backwards, his legs paddled wildly and his tongue hung down. It was my first time seeing something like this. I thought he might bite his tongue, so I attempted to put it back into his mouth. Bad idea! He chomped down on my hand, and I was lucky to escape with all fingers intact. After visiting our local Vet, we were sent to Tufts Veterinary Hospital in Grafton MA, an hour away, for a full work up and diagnosis. The Tufts Vet center is a top-quality facility in Massachusetts. After many tests including an MRI, we were told to come back in a week for the results and a conversation / plan. When we returned, our Vet at Tufts, a young, compassionate oncology specialist from Ireland, informed us that Shamrock had a cancerous brain tumor. Unfortunately, surgery was not a viable option and the best course of treatment was medication. Catherine and I were very clear that we had entered a new phase of care for Shamrock. The Vet said that Shamrock’s death was not imminent but that the seizures would continue. He prescribed Prednisone, a steroid, to help Shamrock through the process. We came home and quickly carpeted the stairs for better footing and a soft landing if Shamrock fell again. Thus began our journey of saying goodbye to Shamrock. Our nightly plan One of the significant side effects of prednisone was that it made Shamrock pee – a lot - say every few hours, sometimes more. During the day, we found ways to manage this, but the nighttime was a challenge. Catherine and I agreed that one of us would sleep downstairs with Shamrock in the family room located next to an outside door, so he was easy to take out. This would have the advantage of letting the rest of the household, including Daisy our other dog and our two cats, get some sleep. We took turns sleeping with Shamrock every night for next four months. On my nights, I slept on the couch and Shamrock was either on his pillow on the floor or sometimes snuggled up with me on the couch. Maybe two hours would pass and he would wake me up ready to go out. This process started in late August so the nights were generally balmy. Gifts from 3AM We live in the woods with trails to walk on. On my nights, I would take Shamrock out and he would hunt around for the perfect place to pee. It had to be the right place, so it often took him quite a while, sometimes even up to ½ hour. During this time, I had the rare (for me) opportunity of seeing / hearing / sensing the world at 3 and 4 in the morning when everything feels quite different. There was often a quiet and inviting softness in the air. The smells were intense and there were few distractions. It was simply wonderous to stop and listen to the life in the forest at night – owls, coyotes, branches being used as highways. Conversations At some point during our night walks, I began “talking” with Shamrock. First, I apologized for all the things I could have done better for him. Like the day I forgot to feed him or another when I accidentally locked him in a room or… I felt I needed to apologize but he did not care too much about the apologies as he sniffed his way through the woods occasionally seeing something to chase. We then reminisced about the adventures we had together– “Sham, do you remember when you ate the turkey at Thanksgiving?”, what about when you discovered your singing voice especially when Elizabeth and I played Mozart the clarinet? … And then my long list of thanks. Thanks for being so important in my life; for opening up my heart, for simply being yourself, for your love and affection for Elizabeth, Catherine and me…. Finally, as he began to have more seizures, I practiced saying goodbye. I would often cry and after a good cry, the woods were even more beautiful. Shamrock’s last day On Christmas day, 1996, Elizabeth was home from college. We took Shamrock with us to the relatives for Christmas. It was clear he could not be left alone anymore. His quality of life had drastically deteriorated, and we had decided that the day after Christmas would be his last. A friend of ours was a horse Vet who agreed to come to our house for the final sendoff. On December 26th, Shamrock started the day off well and happy, and we actually thought to postpone the end. But then he made it easy. He had a sequence of seizures that told us, without a doubt, he was ready to go. Catherine, Elizabeth and I all sat outside on the grass with Shamrock in our arms. We had all begun this journey together and would end it together. Even Daisy, our other dog and Shamrock’s bonded companion, was there to say goodbye. The Vet gave him the sedative first so all his muscles relaxed. Then, the final needle and within seconds, he was gone. We cried and said goodbye. The ground was still soft enough to dig a grave. We placed Shamrock in the ground, covered by his favorite blanket and then added the earth. He would be the first of our many animals to be buried on the property. In the most heartfelt way, Shamrock taught me something I already knew – That everything comes into being, stays for a while, and then passes on. Since that time, I have felt this simple but immense truth as a part of life and who we are. What a gift! Thanks, Shamrock.
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David FeldmanDog walker, Dog Mediator, Father, Husband, Categories |