“The Youngers”
Yesterday, Catherine and I rode our bikes to one of our favorite breakfast places. We sat inside next to a window. Outside, a party of 5, two parents, two grandparents and a one-year-old, not yet talking, got a table right in front of us. The one-year-old decided he did not want to be in carriage anymore and began to climb out. Nothing would stop him so mom picked him up and put him on the sidewalk. He began to crawl, looking at everything on the ground and above himself. He simply smiled. His crawling led him to a chair leg. Exploring the leg he reached both hands up, and pulled himself to standing. ” OMG, I am standing.” He began to walk and fell, scooched himself back to the chair leg and pulled himself up again. “Look” I am walking now, wow!” He almost fell again but grandpa caught him this time. His adventure continued for 10 minutes. Up, walking, down and back again. The child was in such delight that passers- by just stopped and looked at the life energy flowing through him. At a certain point, he looked at his mom, threw his arms into the air, which meant “you can pick me up now.” The whole scene felt like the Universe saying: You want to see beginner’s mind, true learning. Go no further. Here it is!
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7/22/2023 0 Comments Day #13 - Exhale / Deep RelaxationOur 15-year-old dog Barq will soon be crossing the Rainbow Bridge. He was brought up in a kennel of sled dogs in a litter of 14. The theme for their names was soft drinks, so there was Barq (root beer), Cola, Shasta, etc. When children ask me why he is called Bark, I tell them it was either Bark or Woof and we chose Bark. That satisfies their curiosity, and then they ask if they can pet him. Children don’t care much about the spelling.
Accompanying an old dog or any elder being is a remarkable practice of acceptance. Barq now has leeway for his behavior. For example, he is no longer required to poop only outside, although it is certainly our preference. Catherine and I talk about poop the way that Eskimos might talk about snow. Living with many animals, domestic and wild, we see the subtleties and signs of health and well being directly in their poop. I “asked” Barq the other day how he was doing. He told me that he can’t jump up on the bed anymore, but can still make it to the couch. He seems to be enjoying his life most of the time. Catherine and I have decided not to travel until Barq goes. There is just too much to do in these final stages which may last a week or a few months. We know he will let us know and we will listen. Thus, we are deeply relaxed. Our hopes for Barq as well as ourselves have been softened. We accept his coming death and the inevitability of our own. If all fears and tensions are somehow related to our own fear of death, then accompanying Barq is a beautiful practice for deep relaxation. 7/21/2023 0 Comments Day #12 - The Air we breatheAt 4AM last night, I woke up calm, deeply relaxed and alert. Yesterday, I had written a post about failure and learning from failure, and my mind / body / feelings were still digesting the learning. My topic was not getting into any of the colleges of my choice. My wife’s failure (she is also doing the 21-day pod), was about coming in 2nd in a teenage hula-hoop contest, when she could have easily come in first. Both experiences left their marks on us.
From my calm and open state, I asked this presence that was within me (which felt like deep thinking and feeling) if there was another way to understand these, for us, traumatic events. “Have you considered that in the early years, when security, belonging and doing well are of utmost importance, it is the very air we breathe. To not breathe this air would be impossible. It is everywhere including our parents, schools, friends, TV, advertising and at the core of our culture. Consider the importance of being #1, getting a good job, meeting the right spouse, wanting the same for our children and grandchildren, and living the American or most other culture’s “dream.” It is the air we breathe.” I responded or had the thought “But, I don’t feel pulled by this too much these days, at least not all the time.” “Yes, and at those times, you are literally breathing different air. Look at your life especially over the past six years. So much love, so many accomplishments, and yet you feel that you don’t do much. Your most consistent emotion is appreciation or gratitude and simply enjoying what’s in front of you. Of course, not all the time but enough. And enough really is enough!” 7/20/2023 0 Comments Day #11 The Gift of FailureAt first, I could not think of anything related to failure. I don’t think in those terms anymore. My wife suggested to think of my youth, and this story came crashing through.
It was my senior year in high school, and I was desperate to move out of my house (NYC apartment in Queens) and go to sleep-away college. My parents had enough money to pay for it. I was a good student but not great and I applied to schools above my “pay grade” and was rejected by all except Queens College, a NY public commuter school. I had won a Regents scholarship which paid for it, so I had been given a free ride to college. My experience was that of complete failure. My friends had all gone to sleep-away schools and I was still stuck in Queens. My teenage understanding of “freedom” was simple “Do what I want when I wanted to do it.” My biggest fear was being trapped and I felt totally trapped. I was angry at everything and everybody including myself. I entered an intense depression, made bad choices about my courses (all science and math courses that required focus and concentration), almost lost my scholarship for poor grades, and mostly wore a black tea shirt. I basically wallowed in a toxic soup of self-pity throughout the year. I shut myself off from the many opportunities of college clubs doing all sorts of interesting and wonderful things. I didn’t even notice that they existed. I write this with a certain degree of embarrassment and shame because I had so much but couldn’t see it at the time. Then, toward the very end of the college year, I looked up from my Bunsen burner in chemistry lab and saw directly across from me a most beautiful girl. She had been there all year but I never noticed her. The next day, I took off my black tea shirt, put on something springlike, screwed up my courage and asked her out. To my surprise and utter delight, she said YES. She became my college girlfriend and our relationship was the basis for a marvelous college experience. Later, little by little, I came to understand that my complete failure to go to sleep-away college was the impetus for meeting my girlfriend including the many wonderful things that followed. Over the years, my understanding of “freedom” changed significantly and it is simply my ability to choose my attitude to whatever external or internal events occur. This has served me very well. 7/19/2023 0 Comments #10 Sharing HappinessThe other day, a friend whom I had not connected with for a while, called me. At the end of our chat he said, “Speaking with you is like a cool breeze on a summer day. You are one of the least scary people I know.” I thanked him for his kind words, but I was left perplexed. When I was younger, the mentors I admired were fierce alpha males. Their very presence could galvanize a room. They had an ability to utilize the energy of anger as well as love. Even when I was the president of a company, I preferred collaboration to telling others what to do.
I began my “new story” 12 years ago when I retired from my career job. In this story, my “super-power” is simply to be appreciative. It seems remarkably modest and small compared to what I hoped to become when I was younger. However, it has become the center of gravity for my life. During the pandemic, I started a blog called “gratitude riffs” filled with stories of appreciation for everything in my life. I looked at my past life as well as current adventures through the window of thankfulness. Things simply look different through this filter. It even allows me to see things I was blind to before, so no ducking reality. And somehow, this way of seeing functions as a magnet for others. For example, this week a young couple came a long way just be with my wife and I. We made them a delicious meal, hung out, listened to their stories, and even had them hold one of our chickens, a new experience for them. Another woman stopped by during the week to give us delicious vegetables from her CSA because it is too much for her to eat alone. We gave her eggs and hung out. Later today we will be on zoom call with a lovely woman we met on our trip in the Amazon. She simply enjoys our conversation. I am utilizing this 21-day service space pod as a means of meeting new friends on this pod as well as sharing my daily writings through my blog. To my delight, I am hearing from quite a few people who willingly share their stories. What a nice way to spread the joy. 7/18/2023 0 Comments #9 The Opposing ViewThe Opposing View
The “practice” of my work as a mediator is to hear and validate the position and point of view of each party, even though the positions are at odds. It obliges me to suspend my own positions and carefully listen, and then double check with each party to be sure I understood them in their terms. Their positions are generally not reconcilable which is why they have come to mediation. Both parties are convinced that they are right, truly right. The next step in mediation is to ask a very simple question “why is that important to you?” This is a very important part of the “art” of mediation. There are many ways to ask this question. If the parties, or even just one of the parties, can connect with this emotional space, everything changes. The atmosphere in the room lightens, being right is no longer such a big deal. If both parties can connect with why this is important to them, they can often feel for and understand the other person. At that point, their perspectives have momentarily changed and they can meet at a place where solutions simply pour forth. Perhaps even in Rumi’s field. When this occurs, it often feels like a little miracle for all concerned. Below is a mediation story that I did that I hope you enjoy The “miracle” of mediation Sometimes, mediation can unravel a seemingly impossible impasse so that the parties who were not even able to be in the same room, walk out together as new found companions. This case arose from a public housing dispute involving two neighbors. In this instance the downstairs neighbor (call her DOWN), a large woman in her early 80s with a stentorian voice complained to the housing authority that the upstairs neighbor (call her UP), a slight woman with a wispy voice in her late 80s, was making so much noise that she could not sleep. In addition, she had other challenges including PTSD. This led her to banging on the walls and ceiling with a broom when UP made noise. UP also complained to the housing authority that DOWN was banging on the ceiling and disturbing her. In addition, UP was recovering from cancer treatments. The two neighbors could not talk with each other, and each had formed negative opinions about the other. The housing authority told them to go to mediation and see if they could work something out. DOWN said she could not even sit in the same waiting room as UP. We found two separate waiting rooms at our facility. When they entered the mediation room, we explained the mediation procedure including meeting with parties separately if the situation called for it. DOWN immediately requested a private session to begin the process. UP agreed if she too would be given a private session. In the private session with DOWN, she presented her list of grievances against UP. These included opening and closing drawers in the middle of the night, grandchildren running around, loud bangs from items or furniture that had fallen, and even having a very loud cat that “hung out” by the window of DOWN. She was also quite convinced that these noises were intentional. She told us that she had considered leaving but her circumstances would not allow it. She felt trapped, could not take it anymore, and did not know what else to do. She had put in her best attempts at soundproofing, white noise and anything else she could think of to make her place livable. We heard and acknowledged her intense frustration with the current situation. When UP entered for her private session, she also was very distressed with the situation. She said that she had done everything possible to keep the noise down. She was aware that DOWN would hear noise from upstairs. She said that the prior tenant did not mind the noise and simply took it as part of life. However, she knew DOWN was seriously bothered by it. She had taken many steps including putting down carpeting, not having her grandchildren visit, changing the time she went to bed, walking around without shoes and everything else she could think of to soften the noise. She was particularly stressed when DOWN banged on the walls and ceiling. We heard and acknowledged her intense frustration with the current situation. We then brought both parties together to see if they might be able to communicate with each other. UP began and surprised DOWN when she explained how awful this has been for her. She said that although she loved her apartment, she was thinking of leaving (if possible) because the situation was causing her so much stress. She told DOWN all the changes and adaptions she had made. She said she was actually willing to make more changes if there could be some peace and understanding between the two. She further said that before she moved in friends had told her not to take the downstairs apartment because of the inevitable noise. She felt very badly for DOWN. DOWN was very quiet and attentive, and appeared surprised. She had thought that UP was making noise out of spite. When she saw UP’s distress, her face softened and her shoulders relaxed a bit. Then DOWN shared all the challenges she was facing, and that she had not had a good night’s sleep in a year. Her stress levels were through the roof. UP was very sympathetic and wished to make DOWN’s life better if she could. The issue of the cat came up and served as the catalyst for an even deeper break-through. UP said she was aware that the cat had a loud “meow,” but she loved her 12-year-old cat and wanted to give him the best life possible. DOWN also loved cats and had recently lost hers. They spent some time sharing about their love for animals. They both became human for each other. They both said they were very thankful for the opportunity to be in a safe situation (the mediation room) so that they could share their challenges and also hear the challenges of each other. Although the circumstances of the noise itself was not resolved, they agreed that they would both work together to make the situation as good as possible. They walked out of the room together as a team. The “miracle” of mediation is that they were able to hear and understand each other and mutually see that both parties were suffering. Although they could not necessarily change the external circumstance, they could indeed change how they dealt with their, now, mutual challenges. 7/17/2023 0 Comments Day #8 The Catherpillar TransformsSix years ago, when I turned 70, a friend half-jokingly invited me to join him in a “sprint triathlon.” “What’s that?” “You swim for a ½ mile in the ocean, run a 5K on the beach and then bike for 10 miles.” I had never swum in the ocean, just played in when I was a boy; never ran a mile, no less a 5K (3.1 miles) and my biking was more like a Sunday outing than racing. However, I had this feeling that the “gods“ were speaking through my friend. I said YES. Since then, I have done 4 triathlons and run 8 additional races, mostly 5K but one 5 mile. I have finished them all in good shape, am always at the back of the pack, but not necessarily last.
But here’s the thing. Doing these events have opened something in me that I had no idea was closed. These past 6 years have been the best of my life in so many ways, and my previous life had been very good. It is like doing all these races, and the preparation, for them has helped the light shine in. One example, this very pod. I made a new friend 6 years ago and he “insisted” that I learn about Service Space. What is funny is that he lives by “invitation.” not insistence. Again, I thought the “gods” were at it again. And so here we are, in this moment, in this actuality, the caterpillar transforming little by little. Note: I have written 2 fun blogs detailing my first two triathlons. I would be happy to send them to anyone who wishes to read the stories. 7/16/2023 0 Comments Day #7 Someone who loved meMy Dad
I was very lucky growing up. My dad accepted me as I was and seemed to delight in my adventures. To some degree, he was both my dad and my grandfather. His love was not conditioned by performance. I was an easy child, good at school, interested in music and sports, a few close friends, and generally happy. (This changed during my teenage years). Knowingly or not, my dad planted something inside me that made it OK to be what I was. This immeasurable gift has conditioned my whole life to see the good in things, to see possibilities, to be interested in potentials in myself and others. It also allowed me to experiment and fail and not fall apart. I like to think I passed this gift to our daughter. 7/15/2023 0 Comments Day #6 - Accidental AccidentSome years ago, I was on a business trip in Bangalore, India. My colleague and I visited the ISKCON Hindu temple, a pilgrimage place for many Hindus. It is a very large glass and steel structure that reminded me of EPCOT Center at Disney World. The interior of the temple is quite extraordinary with exquisite paintings, statues, and garlands all related to the story of Krishna. There was a section, roped off, where a teaching was going on in Hindi. The priest / teacher was meeting with perhaps 50-100 people all sitting listening attentively. Our exit process took us to a food market located in the back of the temple. There were shops, booths and counters selling vegetables, fruits, and other daily necessities. There were also some booths selling delicious looking pastries. It was wonderful to see that the temple and the market were one thing – interconnected – the sacred and the secular. The pastries looked very tempting so we got in line. The woman before me, from India, bought a pastry and the man behind the counter, with kind eyes. asked her for 3 rupees – say $.50. That sounded like a very reasonable price indeed. I asked for the same thing she had purchased, and the soft-spoken man gave it to me and said “$10 please.” Fortunately, for me, I was non-reactive. I inquired, “She paid 3 rupees and you are asking me for $10, why is that?” He smiled “Because you can afford it.” Again, to my own delight and surprise, there was very little reactivity – I simply said “That’s true.” And I gave him the $10. He asked if we would like to see what they do with the money. We nodded and followed him to a door behind the counter. We entered a very large room with many people making boxes and packages of food. He explained that the temple has made a commitment to feed a lunch time meal to all the school children in Bangalore who need it. They deliver the food in every way they can depending on the volunteers who help – SUV’s, cars, auto rigshaws, motorcycles, bicycles, whatever it takes. It was startling and wonderful. The people who were putting all this together were quietly working at it. He then said, “Now, would you like to contribute more?” We did and I said “You are a very good salesman indeed.” Without missing a beat, he responded in an American business idiom, “I believe in the product!” We all laughed, wished each other the best. 7/14/2023 0 Comments Day #5 - ReverenceToday is a sad and reverent day. One of our favorite chickens, Lily, whom we have lived with for 10 years, died this morning. We named her after a marvelous teenager we met 10 years ago, and who now is an engineer. She loved to be held, and had a way of welcoming the many new chickens throughout the years. We live in a pine forest and we placed her by a large tree. The forest will absorb her within a few days. This week we saw a mother raccoon with her baby (at night), and a mother wild turkey with her two babies (during the day). I like to think that the energy from Lily’s body may feed the babies. Bye Lily and thanks! |
David FeldmanDog walker, Dog Mediator, Father, Husband, Categories |